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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  October 27, 2015 5:56pm-6:29pm PDT

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this is "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to "nightly show." i can't do that impression. "marty." anyway, i'm not doug brown. i'm larry wilmore. we've got a great show for you tonight. tony crews will be joining us on the panel. ( cheers and applause ) very excited. can't wait. but we begin with some brauz from earlier today. the big question that has been plaguing everybody with a job in tv news it-- and everybody with light social calendars have been-- will joe biden run for president? as you may know, biden had a
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scheduled rose garden announcement today to finally answer this question. but like a labradoodle in a tennis ball factory, cnn could not handle the anticipation. >> joe biden plans to make an announcement. >> what the vice president is going to say today. >> presumably is the day. >> he's going to announce he's running. >> no, i'm not running. could this be that message? >> that's all sheer speculation right now. he's going to tell us he's not running and it could be he is running. >> what is going on here? >> larry: why don't you just wait five ( bleep ) minutes! five minutes! just wait. that's all you've got to do. he's about to tell you. you don't need to predict the news. ( laughter ) you're just supposed to report it after it happens. before it happens, it's not even news yet. you can't "minority report" the news. ( cheers and applause ) not, not how it works.
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slow down. okay, so did he or didn't he? >> i believe we're out of time, the time necessary to mount a winning campaign. >> larry: wow. maybe if it you weren't so focused on mounting it right off the bat. maybe if you spent a little time wooing the campaign first. you know, take it out to dinner. ( laughter ) ask it what kind of music it likes. un, show america you're interested in the campaign before you go barreling towards mounting it. all right, well now that biden is officially not mounting, it's safe to say we know who will get the democratic nomination, lincoln chafee. ( laughter ) you heard it here first! exactly right. ( applause ) get out of here! get! there you go! all right, let's move on. big news in the world of
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computer hackers this week. >> sources confirm a breach in the accounts of c.i.a. director john brennan and homeland security secretary jeh johnson. >> okay, now i know it sounds bad, but the good news is the hackers were only able to penetrate brennan and johnson's personal accounts. their work accounts are safe, and more importantly their netflix accounts are safe. which means they can still invite bae over to chill. i have to say, you're laughing, but the only problem with netflix and chilling is 50 minutes into is it he looked at you like this. i have no idea what that means. but despite being brennan and jawnsob's personal e-mail accounts, there was sensitive work information being passed around. prince, brennan's a.o.l. accounts yielded the names and social security numbers of several top intelligence officials and it also contained his 47-page security clearance application.
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um, quick note to the c.i.a.-- maybe somewhere in that 47 pages, you can find room for the question, "why douf a damn a.o.l. e-mail account?" a.o.l.! seriously, america! this is the c.i.a.! can't we do better? i mean, i don't care if this is brennan's private e-mail. what, did they think it was patriotic to be on america online? "oh, we need to go online, and this is america. what should we choose?" "how about america online." "who said that?" "johnson, you're on fire." america online. are they using dial-up too? now it's time to play c.i.a. theater, "john brennan c.i.a. director goes online."
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eeehh. errrrr. arrrr. megan get off the damn phone your father it's trying to get some intel. ( cheers and applause ) ehhh-ahhh. and how does having an a.o.l. e-mail account at this high a level not raise a red flag in 2015? i look at a.o.l. on an e-mail the same way old white people look at the name deshawn on a resume? all right? i mean, sorry, deshawn. ( laughter ) it's so unfair to deshawn, too. i mean, at the very least, get some g-mail with two-step verification. and in this day and age, unprotected e-mail is just like unprotected sex. sure it's easier and there's it less to think about but it's a
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good way to end up with someone in there you weren't expecting. ( laughter ) ( applause ) is that's true! babies are just nature's little hackers. that's what they are. hackers. but forget all this. the real question is who are these guys? >> a group calling themselves w.c.a., is taking credit for hacking into their private e-mail account. >> larry: hmmm. ( laughter ) c.w.a. what does that stand for crypto warfare anarchist. cyber warriors of america. cyber warfare anonymous. no, wait, cyber web assassin. something like that. >> c.w.a., or crackas with attitude. ( laughter ) >> larry: crackas with
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attitude? these are the people breaking into the c.i.a. who is your leader, eazy-mail. crack as with attitude, i'm just joking, man. don't hack me. ( laughter ) all right, so what else do we been these guys? >> can you give us any indication of your background? i mean how old you are? are you in the united states? >> i'm the age of 22 years old, smoke pot. >> and you smoke pot. >> all day, every day. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: "all day, every day." and they breached secret information on both the head of the c.i.a. and homeland security? that's freakin' awesome, man. i mean, don't get me wrong. it's a bummer about the national security stuff, but come oall
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day, every day? i mean, not several days of times a day. i mean not when their buddies from college are in town. not when they're watching a movie or playing a video game. just all day, every day. that means when they're not high, they're asleep. ( laughter ) this is either a mark of extraordinary genius or we have some horrible ( bleep ) national security. all right, so if he smokes all day, was this teen hacker high when he did this? >> you think you might have hacked the director of the c.i.a. while you were high? >> probably. >> larry: are you not listening to him? he said all day, every day. that's when he smokes weed. another so the hacker said he was able to hack into brennan's e-mail via social engineering. that's a nerdy way of saying he called verizon and talked them into giving him brennan's personal information. this explains time warnerrary me
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slogan-- we keep you on hold until you get bedsores but at least we don't give out your social security number. very successful with that. speaking of e-mail scandals, i wonder why i'm not hearing for the calls for brennan's or johnson's heads in the same way i'm hearing the calls for hillarys? ( cheers ) which is strange, considering johnson and brennan actually had their sensitive personal e-mail servers hacked and clinton did not and she is set to testify before a hostile and politically driven congressional committee. i'm not saying agree with hillary's decision to do what she did with her e-mails but one thing she did do, she was trying to make her communications more secure. and here these guys in charge of government secrets are almost going out of their way to make things less secure. ironically, this story will probably be forgotten by the end of the week if the outrage about hillary will last until the people doing it have succeeded
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in her not being president. but if 22-year-old savanity stoner hackers can't find her e-mails, maybe this person should be the one in charge of the c.i.a. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (door bell rings)
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my doctor says i havey, what's skittles pox. are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow! ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. "nightly show" contributor, holly walker. he's executive producer and host of the new huffington post series "now what," journalist ryan duffy. and you catch his shows "brooklyn nine-nine" and world's funniest. this man is working all the
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time, actor tony crews. yeah. tire! and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag "tonightly." the big news today, joe biden not running for president. do you think he should run? do you think he missed out? what do you think? >> no, for me, i think that, you know, people have now taken a sports attitude to politics. so it's kind of like, you know, when lebron didn't go back to miami. you know what i mean? that's their cheering on, like, "biden was our boy! he's gone. now what do we do." you know what i mean. "he was our first round pick. it's over." it's more than that but i think it's not end of the world. >> i don't think he should have run. he is 72 years old. he shouldn't be running after anything. ( laughter ). >> larry: i thought he was 74. >> he might be older than that, who knows? >> larry: a friend of mine thinks there was some backroom
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deal between hillary, obama, and biden. this is true. like in it 2008, they're like biden, it's hillary's turn next. do you think that kind of thing happens? >> i love that theory. >> larry: it sounds interesting. >> i'm on board with that. i like that theory because it suggests a method to the madness. it just gives me a level of comfort that, sure, there are backroom deals to all of it. fine, great. i believe it. >> larry: you can't imagine, "all right, hillary, you got next." >> it's like sports you know what i mean? they do it for teams. they do at all times time. backroom deals happen every day. >> and if there was a backroom deal-- there probably was one but we'll never know about it because we can't see those e-mails. ( laughter ) >> wow, wow. >> there probably was one. >> larry: it do you think biden could have beantown hillary? >> i think biden absolutely would have. >> he wanted to-- >> he would have beaten hillary. >> larry: really? >> because people like him more
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than hillary. people trust him more than hillary. >> right. >> unfortunately with the loss of his son, he would have gotten the sympathy it vote glu think he messed up? you think he really could have beaten her? >> well, it worked on "scandal." like-- >> it's true! you have a point. she's right! >> it did. because fitz was down in the polls, and then it his son died of this, like, secret injection of a rare strain of bacterial meningitis. >> horrible. >> i remember that, girl. >> exactly. you're exactly right. that's true. ( cheers and applause ) right? thank you. thank you. that is true. >> larry: who would have been more fun, who would have been more fun biden-trump or hillary-trump? which one would have been more fun? biden-trump would have been a lot of fun. >> can i reject the fundamental premise of that question and say i'm not ready to assume donald
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trump anything. >> he wasn't ready! >> i do think -- >> like goofy and dopey or. >> it would be tweedle dee and tweedle dumb-ass. >> larry: biden is not tweedle dee. >> i think there is an interest interesting parallel if he had run. you look at the candidates who are resinating beyond hillary. trump-- god help us all. even berniey, right? these are guys who, you know, frank, brutally honest, outspoang, whatever it is, they're authentic. they're outside the political spectrum to some degree. biden has always had that about him. and sometimes they manifest in weird gaffes and the stuff he'd rather get away from but he is kind of an earnest, blue-collar-type guy so i think he would have had traction. >> larry: i think it would be hilarious if sanders asked biden
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to be his vice president again. >> hey, man-- >> he could do that. >> larry: do you think sanders has a chance to beat hillary at this point? sanders has, he still has-- i think sanders still has-- i'm sorry, i think he's one of those candidates we won't know nothing until people start voting for sure. we really won't. it's like the trump thing. guy in the audience, you got mad when i said trump. "i don't want to imagine it." i understand that, but, guys, i'm telling you i'm almost throwing up in my mouth already. i think something unexpected happens in this election and i don't think we should count out people like bernie sanders. bernie sanders is touching a nerve in people. the reason i say that, if people are feeling so much they want somebody likeed by nen this race, why? because they think something's missing on this other side, right? >> yeah, and they can trust bernie. i think people trust bernie because -- >> bernie keeps it 100. >> he keeps it one had been. he's telling you truth right off the bat, all the time, whether you agree with him or not and i
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do think he has the a.a.r.p. vote locked up. >> the truth is that the more you hear something, the more you tend to accept it. and i think the more they hear him and the more you see him, it becomes more acceptable. that's what happened with trump. that's what happened. the more he talked, the more he was out there, the more he became acceptable. >> larry: the difference is trump is like whack. ( laughter ) and the more people listen to it, he got more famous, and then bernie speaks the truth, and the more people listen to him, the more they're getting on board. it's truth versus confusion. >> but you have to understand-- but you have to understand how people think. people don't care about the truth. they want thor what they want to hear. you can see something that's really, really horrible, and you could be but look at that one great thing in there that is really what i stand for and it doesn't eye mean, the truth is really not what we're talking about here. especially when we're talking
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about politics. >> larry: i'm going to throw up in my mouth. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ coochie, coochi, coo! he so has your peanut butter. well, he's got your jelly. time for a feeding. no!!! ah jam it! crazy good! only wendy's makes a deal, feel like a meal! introducing our new four for four! four bucks for a junior bacon cheeseburger, nuggets, fries and a drink. you're still sitting there? that's fresh, never frozen, beef, sizzling bacon and so much more. get four for four, now at wendy's.
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>> larry: welcome back! all right, it's time for the segment we like to call keep it 100. i know. everybody that doesn't know that, it means keep it 100% real. keep it 100 or keep it one-hunah. either of those ways. ron you're going to be first. if you keep it 100, you get a
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sticker, if not i throw weak tea at you. >> i'm ready. >> larry: you keep it 100 in your work all the time. >> i try. >> larry: you do all your work. you've been in a lot of dangerous situations all over the world. this is also the anniversary of "back to the future." if you could go back in time and stop one famous assassination, which "k" would you say, j.f.k., r.f.k., or m.l.k.?" keep in mind, you're on a panel with three black people. >> what is that, man? >> yeah, which one is it? >> larry: i want you to keep it 100. you can't pander. which "k"? >> i'm not it pandering. i'm just trying to walk out of here. m.l.k., but that is-- that is independent of anything else. >> larry: why do you say m.l.k.? he always had his dream. >> i think there is-- if we look
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back we have no-- no shortage of politicians as we have all seen, as we've all talked about. >> larry: the kennedy family like... not a shortage of politicians. >> tha there is not a great wayo answer that thank you. ( applause ) very good. >> larry: terry. >> i'm scared. >> larry: it's all right. you did a very popular movie-- actually it's very popular in this building-- called "the expendables." yes. i mean, listen to the cast, sylvester stallone, arnold schwarzenegger, steve austin, mickey roarke. which is the most expendable of the expendables? keep it 100! >> i'm going to keep it real00. mickey roarke, mickey roarke. we asked him to come back, and he's like,iment," i want to gete
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money than anybody." you have to play with us, man! >> larry: that's keeping it 100. you also get an expendables question. >> oh, boy. >> larry: this is a ( bleep ) kill situation. this is how we play the game it, by the way. arpold schwarzenegger, civil vester stallone and mickey roarke. >> sylvester stallone, arbarnold schwarzenegger. >> i'm killing mickey roarke. sylvester stallone, and arnold schwarzenegger, i am not marrying him because of what he does. that means i'm ( bleep ), ( bleep ), ( bleep ). and i'm marrying sylvester stallone. >> larry: we'll be right back. you never know when it'll be your moment to shine.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panel. holly walker, ryan duffy, terry crewsterrycrews. stay tuned for "@midnight" with chris hardwick. good nightly, everyone. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show " with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! our guests tonight, msnbc host
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rachel maddow will be joining us today! (cheers and applause) yep! but first, let's talk about prison. (laughter) the big house. america's second worst place to stay after red roof inn. (laughter) this month, two unlikely groups came together to change that >> a criminal committee on criminal justice reform with bipartisan support >> neither republican nor democrat or liberal or conservative. this is an american issue >> trevor: criminal justice is an issue everyone can come together on not like the divisive like healthcare. it's about time people pay attention because it's getting out of hand. >> the united states om


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